Woody Allen: Yes, But Can the Steam Engine Do this?
I was leafing through a magazine while waiting for Joseph K., my
beagle, to emerge from his regular Tuesday fifty-minute hour with aPark Avenue therapist—a Jungian veterinarian who, for fifty dollars
per session, labors valiantly to convince him that jowls are not a social
drawback —when I came across a sentence at the bottom of the page
that caught my eye like an overdraft notice. It was just another item
in one of those boiler-plate specials with a title like "Historagrams" or
"Betcha Didn't Know," but its magnitude shook me with the power of
the opening strains of Beethoven's Ninth. "The sandwich," it read,
"was invented by the Earl of Sandwich." Stunned by the news, I read
it again and broke into an involuntary tremble. My mind whirled as it
began to conjure with the immense dreams, the hopes and obstacles,
that must have gone into the invention of the first sandwich. My eyes
became moist as I looked out the window at the shimmering towers of
the city, and I experienced a sense of eternity, marvelling at man's
ineradicable place in the universe. Man the inventor! Da Vinci's
notebooks loomed before me—brave blueprints for the highest
aspirations of the human race. I thought of Aristotle, Dante,
Shakespeare. The First Folio. Newton. Handel's Messiah. Monet.
Impressionism. Edison. Cubism. Stravinsky. E=mc2 . . .
Holding firmly to a mental picture of the first sandwich lying
encased at the British Museum, I spent the ensuing three months
working up a brief biography of its great inventor, his nibs the Earl.
Though my grasp of history is a bit shaky, and though my capacity for
romanticizing easily dwarfs that of the average acidhead, I hope I
have captured at least the essence of this unappreciated genius, and
that these sparse notes will inspire a true historian to take it from
here.
1718: Birth of the Earl of Sandwich to upper-class parents. Father
is delighted at being appointed chief farrier to His Majesty the King—
a position he will enjoy for several years, until he discovers he is a
blacksmith and resigns embittered. Mother is a simple Hausfrau of
German extraction, whose uneventful menu consists essentially of
lard and gruel, although she does show some flair for culinary
imagination in her ability to concoct a passable sillabub.
1725-35: Attends school, where he is taught horseback riding and
Latin. At school he comes in contact with cold cuts for the first time
and displays an unusual interest in thinly sliced strips of roast beef
and ham. By graduation this has become an obsession, and although
his paper on "The Analysis and Attendant Phenomena of Snacks"
arouses interest among the faculty, his classmates regard him as odd.
1736: Enters Cambridge University, at his parents' behest, to
pursue studies in rhetoric and metaphysics, but displays little
enthusiasm for either. In constant revolt against everything academic,
he is charged with stealing loaves of bread and performing unnatural
experiments with them. Accusations of heresy result in his expulsion.
1738: Disowned, he sets out for the Scandinavian countries, where
he spends three years in intensive research on cheese. He is much
taken with the many varieties of sardines he encounters and writes in
his notebook, "I am convinced that there is an enduring reality,
beyond anything man has yet attained, in the juxtaposition of
foodstuffs. Simplify, simplify." Upon his return to England, he meets
Nell Smallbore, a greengrocer's daughter, and they marry. She is to
teach him all he will ever know about lettuce.
1741: Living in the country on a small inheritance, he works day
and night, often skimping on meals to save money for food. His first
completed work—a slice of bread, a slice of bread on top of that, and a
slice of turkey on top of both—fails miserably. Bitterly disappointed,
he returns to his studio and begins again.
1745: After four years of frenzied labor, he is convinced he is on
the threshold of success. He exhibits before his peers two slices of
turkey with a slice of bread in the middle. His work is rejected by all
but David Hume, who senses the imminence of something great and
encourages him. Heartened by the philosopher's friendship, he
returns to work with renewed vigor.
1747: Destitute, he can no longer afford to work in roast beef or
turkey and switches to ham, which is cheaper.
1750: In the spring, he exhibits and demonstrates three consecu-
tive slices of ham stacked on one another; this arouses some interest,
mostly in intellectual circles, but the general public remains
unmoved. Three slices of bread on top of one another add to his
reputation, and while a mature style is not yet evident, he is sent for
by Voltaire.
1751: Journeys to France, where the dramatist-philosopher has
achieved some interesting results with bread and mayonnaise. The
two men become friendly and begin a correspondence that is to end
abruptly when Voltaire runs out of stamps.
1758: His growing acceptance by opinion-makers wins him a
commission by the Queen to fix "something special" for a luncheon
with the Spanish ambassador. He works day and night, tearing up
hundreds of blueprints, but finally—at 4:17 A.M., April 27, 1758—he
creates a work consisting of several strips of ham enclosed, top and
bottom, by two slices of rye bread. In a burst of inspiration, he
garnishes the work with mustard. It is an immediate sensation, and
he is commissioned to prepare all Saturday luncheons for the
remainder of the year.
1760: He follows one success with another, creating "sandwiches,"
as they are called In his honor, out of roast beef, chicken, tongue, and
nearly every conceivable cold cut. Not content to repeat tried
formulas, he seeks out new ideas and devises the combination
sandwich, for which he receives the Order of the Garter.
1769: Living on a country estate, he is visited by the greatest men
of his century; Haydn, Kant, Rousseau, and Ben Franklin stop at his
home, some enjoying his remarkable creations at table, others
ordering to go.
1778: Though aging physically he still strives for new forms and
writes in his diary, "I work long into the cold nights and am toasting
everything now in an effort to keep warm." Later that year, his open
hot roast-beef sandwich creates a scandal with its frankness.
1783: To celebrate his sixty-fifth birthday, he invents the
hamburger and tours the great capitals of the world personally,
making burgers at concert halls before large and appreciative
audiences. In Germany, Goethe suggests serving them on buns—an
idea that delights the Earl, and of the author of Faust he says, "This
Goethe, he is some fellow." The remark delights Goethe, although the
following year they break intellectually over the concept of rare,
medium, and well done.
1790: At a retrospective exhibition of his works in London, he is
suddenly taken ill with chest pains and is thought to be dying, but
recovers sufficiently to supervise the construction of a hero sandwich
by a group of talented followers. Its unveiling in Italy causes a riot,
and it remains misunderstood by all but a few critics.
1792: He develops a genu varum, which he fails to treat in time,
and succumbs in his sleep. He is laid to rest in Westminster Abbey,
and thousands mourn his passing.
At his funeral, the great German poet Holderlin sums up his
achievements with undisguised reverence: "He freed mankind from
the hot lunch. We owe him so much."
The Existential Sandwich
THE EXISTENTIAL GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH
Get two slices of sourdough bread
Because we make choices based on our experiences, beliefs, and biases, those choices are unique to us — and made without an objective form of truth. There are no “universal” guidelines for most decisions, so if you want to use white or wheat, that is ok as well. Additionally, you can choose to add caramalized onions to this sandwich, which will enhance the flavor, but is not necesarry.
(to caramalize onions, fry them in some olive oil and butter on medium heat until they are soft, sprinkle some sugar on them, continue to cook them to a golden brown, and put aside.)
Now, put some dijon mustard on one and only one slice of bread.
Human choice is subjective, because individuals finally must make their own choices without help from such external standards as laws, ethical rules, or traditions. Because individuals make their own choices, they are free; but because they freely choose, they are completely responsible for their choices.
Excercise your freedom by choosing either some cheddar, muenster, or havarti, or even a bit of all three if you want. Shred the cheese and put it between the slices of bread. Feel the freedom? If you chose, freely, to use caramalized onions, put them on the bread and cover them with the cheese.
Freedom, however, is accompanied by responsibility. Furthermore, since individuals are forced to choose for themselves, they have their freedom — and therefore their responsibility — thrust upon them. They are “condemned to be free.”
You are responsible for heating up a heavy pan, cast iron if you have it.
Responsibility is the dark side of freedom. When individuals realize that they are completely responsible for their decisions, actions, and beliefs, they are overcome by anxiety. Do not let this get to you, relax, and put some olive oil in the pan. If you try to deal with the anxiety by ignoring or denying the situation, you are only decieving yourself, and you will burn the bread or make it stick to the pan.
Individuals must accept full responsibility for their behavior, no matter how difficult. Now, with the oil hot, place the sandwhich onto the pan and hold it down with a metal spatula, for about 60 to 90 seconds. You are responsible for this, but applying pressure should not be too difficult. Flip the sandwich and repeat, applying pressure to the sandwich, again, this should not be too difficult.
If an individual is to live meaningfully and authentically, he or she must become fully aware of the true character of the human situation and bravely accept it. Make sure the cheese is melted, remove from the pan, and accept that your sandwich is tasty. You have the freedom to enjoy this sandwich with any beverage you feel like, but iced tea goes with it quite well.
__________________
onward to mayhem!
onward to mayhem!
Sqeeeb
Read more: http://www.tfproject.org/tfp/tilted-food/123189-existential-grilled-cheese-sandwich.html#ixzz1YKn6F877
Is a Sandwich just a Sandwich?
Some say a sandwich is just a sandwich. A simple plebian food made in a minimum of time, a minimum of effort, and a minimum of creativity. Defined by Webster as two slices of bread with meat, jelly, cheese, or some other filling between them, one could hardly wish for a more prosaic food. So why is it, one may ask, that every culture, and every individual holds the humble sandwich so dear?
Would the Jew of Eastern-European descent pass up his coveted corn beef on rye with pickles on the side? Would the Frenchmen say non to his baguette with butter? Or would a Russian not exchange his bottle of vodka for herring on black bread. Would a Mexican not shout Ole at the smell of hot tortilla burrito? How could an Englishmen drink tea without a couple of soggy finger sandwiches? We can be sure that a Middle-Eastern man would sooner part with his Kaffiya then his falafel, and say, what would July 4th be without the traditional hamburger? So truly the sandwich is much more than two pieces of bread slapped together. It’s a cultural statement.
A sandwich is also all about comfort. A person seeking comfort might revert to the sandwiches of his childhood, and the warm memories they evoke. The peanut butter and jelly spread onto squishy white bread innocent of nutrients, lovingly packed by mom in a red tin lunchbox. Or the perfectly toasted grilled cheese sandwich splattered with ketchup at his behest, just the right thing after a fun afternoon in the snow. A sandwich is a comfort food, associated with mother’s love.
If man is truly what he eats then one can learn about man’s character by his choice of sandwich. Does alfalfa sprouts on whole-wheat not speak of one’s commitment to health? Or what of the man who devours steak on a white hoagie with dollops of mayonnaise, does his choice speak of his lust for life or mere gluttony? Perhaps one’s choice of sandwich can indicate ones attitude towards, long strenuous and somewhat bland living, or drink and be merry for tomorrow you might die.
From all this talk of sandwiches we can see that a sandwich is not merely just a sandwich, but a statement of culture, revisitations of childhood memories, or how’s about an evaluation of one’s approach to life. There is so much more I can express about my belief that sandwiches are a true expression of what the existential nature of man is, but sadly enough my stomach is yearning to express my true essence, so I think I might simply go and make myself a sandwich.
Reprinted without permission from my friend Adena
http://frumsatire.wordpress.com/2006/06/25/is-a-sandwish-just-a-sandwich/#comment-16441
A friend of mine asked me to write about sandwiches (also known as
buttys, cobs, sangers and rolls) in this blog. Persistent little
blighter he is, I conceded and had a little think about two pieces of
bread that can house an array of tastes. Strangely enough, I had some
sort of food epiphany. Sandwiches are not only tasty as hell, but also
wildly important to the running of the country.
Secondly, the economy needs sandwiches. Recently we have fallen on hard times. Wanker bankers, recessions and capitalism shown in its worst light. But what helps carry us through? Yes I’m about to convince you that it is sandwiches. Stick with me. I have two words to sum this up: The Burger. What would we do without it?
The burger is a type of sandwich. High streets offer McDonalds, KFC, Burger King and Gourmet Burger Kitchen for the classy burger eaters. These burger joints generate capital that a student like me, in debt, refuses to think about. With their wide ranges of different types of burgers that the non health conscious love to gobble up, it’s safe to say there’s money in the fast food burger. I like to imagine George Osbourne crying over a McChicken Sandwich if all burger joints were to close up shop. Let’s not forget that without the burger, we wouldn’t have been able to watch Morgan Spurlock eat himself into obesity! That was entertaining for our sadistic sides.
If we no longer had the sandwich, what would become of our butchers and supermarkets on those two hot days in Summer when we all flood to grab beef and Quorn burgers to toss onto the BBQ? Condiment sales would also accordingly plummet and poor Kerry could add ‘millions of dollars’ to the list of things that he has lost.
Then we have all those office workers who flirt their way through sandwich lunch breaks with co workers wondering if they can reignite that spark from the Christmas party. Oh and after a heavy night out, who’s telling me they don’t crave a bacon and egg sandwich to soak up the copious amount of alcohol? Probably the person who inspired me to write this, as he’s Muslim. Hey Faisal.
But, there are too many sandwiches to count pumping masses of money around our economy. Don’t ask me exact (or even rough) figures, I didn’t exactly research this.
Sandwiches also provide us with entertainment – without the sandwich we wouldn’t have this gem of an advert from Durex about a cucumber sandwich. You can probably guess the joke but if you’re slow or like a bit of dirty humour follow the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IINnCX1v4Wc .
I’m also pretty sure that I’m not alone in my love for sandwiches. This woman who punched her boyfriend in the face because he ate her sandwich knows where I’m coming from: http://www.thestar.com/news/ontario/article/840610–a-sandwich-worth-fighting-for . I’m not condoning violence and there may have been some underlying problems in their relationship, but it was probably just about a sandwich, right?
Well folks, that was my argument for why sandwiches rock. Now, if you’re not craving your own perfect sandwich right now, be it on white bread, brown bread, with mayo or even with lasagne in the middle (Tesco actually sell that) then I have failed. Go forth and make your sandwich exactly how you like it and enjoy it with the knowledge that you are doing your bit for Great Britain. Yes, I know how dramatic that was and I meant every single syllable.
http://liquoricethoughtsorts.wordpress.com/
Back the bid and buy a butty.
•August 26, 2010 • 1 Comment
I give to you, why Britain wouldn’t be Britain without sandwiches.
Childhood just wouldn’t be the same without sandwiches. Let’s
suppose, just for a moment, that instead of sandwiches all of our
children were eating sushi. Firstly, we would be breeding a generation
of children that are a bunch of high maintenance twats who think that
it’s normal to eat sushi everyday and secondly you would have parents
all over the land fiddling with rice, crab sticks and nori sheets at 6 o
clock in the morning. No way. Britain is all about the ‘bish, bash,
bosh’ approach – no nonsense and no unnecessary complexities. Don’t get
me wrong, I love to frequent Yo Sushi like most other young people who
first tried sushi with the hope that they wouldn’t hate it because they
want to get into the post-graduate circle of people who think life
begins and ends in London. You know, the ones that eat in Yo Sushi
whilst talking about how great their pensions are. I hate those people.
Mainly because I’m not yet one of them. Nevertheless, no one makes your
own perfect sandwich for your packed lunch like your mummy, ‘made to
order’ at its best. Though the picture I’ve chosen to illustrate this is
probably scaring you. Sorry. I have no idea why this child looks like a
murderer.Secondly, the economy needs sandwiches. Recently we have fallen on hard times. Wanker bankers, recessions and capitalism shown in its worst light. But what helps carry us through? Yes I’m about to convince you that it is sandwiches. Stick with me. I have two words to sum this up: The Burger. What would we do without it?
The burger is a type of sandwich. High streets offer McDonalds, KFC, Burger King and Gourmet Burger Kitchen for the classy burger eaters. These burger joints generate capital that a student like me, in debt, refuses to think about. With their wide ranges of different types of burgers that the non health conscious love to gobble up, it’s safe to say there’s money in the fast food burger. I like to imagine George Osbourne crying over a McChicken Sandwich if all burger joints were to close up shop. Let’s not forget that without the burger, we wouldn’t have been able to watch Morgan Spurlock eat himself into obesity! That was entertaining for our sadistic sides.
If we no longer had the sandwich, what would become of our butchers and supermarkets on those two hot days in Summer when we all flood to grab beef and Quorn burgers to toss onto the BBQ? Condiment sales would also accordingly plummet and poor Kerry could add ‘millions of dollars’ to the list of things that he has lost.
Then we have all those office workers who flirt their way through sandwich lunch breaks with co workers wondering if they can reignite that spark from the Christmas party. Oh and after a heavy night out, who’s telling me they don’t crave a bacon and egg sandwich to soak up the copious amount of alcohol? Probably the person who inspired me to write this, as he’s Muslim. Hey Faisal.
But, there are too many sandwiches to count pumping masses of money around our economy. Don’t ask me exact (or even rough) figures, I didn’t exactly research this.
Sandwiches also provide us with entertainment – without the sandwich we wouldn’t have this gem of an advert from Durex about a cucumber sandwich. You can probably guess the joke but if you’re slow or like a bit of dirty humour follow the link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IINnCX1v4Wc .
I’m also pretty sure that I’m not alone in my love for sandwiches. This woman who punched her boyfriend in the face because he ate her sandwich knows where I’m coming from: http://www.thestar.com/news/ontario/article/840610–a-sandwich-worth-fighting-for . I’m not condoning violence and there may have been some underlying problems in their relationship, but it was probably just about a sandwich, right?
Well folks, that was my argument for why sandwiches rock. Now, if you’re not craving your own perfect sandwich right now, be it on white bread, brown bread, with mayo or even with lasagne in the middle (Tesco actually sell that) then I have failed. Go forth and make your sandwich exactly how you like it and enjoy it with the knowledge that you are doing your bit for Great Britain. Yes, I know how dramatic that was and I meant every single syllable.
LONG LIVE THE SANDWICH.
http://liquoricethoughtsorts.wordpress.com/
Celebrate National Sandwich Day With Some Man-Meat
“Can I share with you my worldview? All of humankind has one thing in common: the sandwich. I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.” – Liz Lemon, 30 Rock
And that is exactly what I plan to do on this day, National Sandwich Day. Sit in peace and eat my go-to sandwich: the T.B.M sandwich from Cosi. With only a mere three ingredients, this sandwich somehow speaks to my soul and brightens even the darkest of days (no thanks to you, Daylight Savings Time.) If this sandwich was a man, I’d be rolling around in bed with it right now. Hell, maybe I’ll do it anyway.
My love of sandwiches and my love of men run almost parallel to each other on the mathematical graph of my life, intersecting only at the moment someone lets me eat a sandwich and have sex at the same time. That’s the stuff dreams are made of. And until that time comes, I’ve thought up a few sandwich ideas that bring my two weaknesses together.
The “I Love You, Sandwich” Sandwich: A piece of Paul Rudd in between two slices of Jason Segel with a side of honey mustard. Paul is the tried-and-true turkey to Jason’s hesitant-at-first-but-turns-out-to-be-a-party-in-my-mouth avocado. Unstoppable.
Ocean’s 11-Grain Sandwich: George Clooney and Brad Pitt lying neatly between two pieces of multi-grain bread. Let’s face it. George is getting old, bound to be a little gritty. But Brad balances out the sandwich with his smooth and creamy loins texture. Add a little Matt Damon on top for a little extra pop of flavor.
The Knocked-Up Fat Cat: A large submarine sandwich filled with ingredients such as, but not limited to: French fries, mozzarella sticks, chicken fingers, jalapeño poppers, pizza bites, Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Because who doesn’t get the munchies from time to time? Maybe you can cut it with the Samurai sword you keep in your room.
The Guilty Pleasure Open-Face Melt: Because there’s nothing I like more than Chace Crawford, Ed Westwick and whole wheel of cheese. As much as you would like to just say no in the face of temptation, I’d like to see anyone deny these Gossip Girl stars…. especially if they’re covered in gooey, melted, cheesy goodness.
The Sloppy Jack: Grade-A man meat Jack Black is a hot mess. But we love him anyway. It’s obviously going to splatter all over the crotch of your pants, but no one ever cries over spilt Jack Black. I want my Manwich, please!
Wartime treats - carrots on sticks
The toast sandwich and other hyper-cheap meals
At just 7.5p a serving, a toast sandwich is the cheapest lunch option, says the Royal Society of Chemistry. What other ultra-economical meals - of a similar order of simplicity - could be revived in these cost-conscious times?
As recipes go, it's even simpler than boiling an egg and as cheap as chips (even cheaper, in fact).
For a toast sandwich take a very thin slice of bread and toast it. Once cold place it between two slices of bread, also sliced very thinly. Butter optional. Salt and pepper to taste.
Promoted by Victorian domestic goddess Isabella Beeton, this recipe comes from her 150-year-old Book of Household Management. Now the Royal Society of Chemistry wants to revive the toast sandwich to help the country through hard times.
But what's the appeal, beyond saving pennies? She recommended it as "very tempting to the appetite of an invalid", whose weak digestion was thought to benefit from plain food. Some who have tried it enjoy the textural variety between the cold crisp filling and the soft outer layers.
Wartime treats - carrots on sticks
Food historian Annie Gray says Victorian-era recipes aimed at invalids fit the bill of cheap and quick to prepare. As well as the toast sandwich, beef tea was another favourite.
"That's as simple to prepare as simply boiling up beef bones to make a stock."
The toast sandwich isn't the only recipe in Mrs Beeton's compendium to use cold toast as the basis for a meal. She recommended toast soup - 1lb (0.45kg) of bread crusts boiled in 2oz (0.05kg) of butter and a quart (1.1 litres) of "common stock". Or for a refreshing drink, what about "toast-and-water"? Made with, you guessed it, a slice of stale loaf toasted, then soaked in a quart (1.1 litres) of boiling water until cold.
"If drunk in a tepid or lukewarm state, it is an exceedingly disagreeable beverage," warned Mrs Beeton. Quite.
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